Today

Today is the day before the one year anniversary of my father passing.  It is 10 days before the one year anniversary of my sister passing.  It is less than 45 days to the one year anniversary of my oldest nephew passing.

The next six weeks bring me through a year after one of the most difficult periods of my life.  What do you do?  You have no control over comings and goings, that is the arena of God.  You can only absorb it, survive it.

I am not a sad person by nature.  I don't dwell on what is missing, because there is so much there.  But, not a day goes by that I have not missed my Mama for the last 19 years.  And not a day goes by that I have not missed my Daddy for the last year.  Not a day will pass for the rest of my life that I don't miss them both.

Neither of them would want me to live sad.  They understood that life contains separations, passings.  They knew that because they suffered their own.  Everyone does to some extent.  The price of relationships is longing and loss.  The trick of sanity is to not let longing overcome living, and to not let loss overcome the present good.

I don't know that I have good advice for that.  I am certainly no expert.  I have suffered a lot of losses.  But, I prefer to take the approach that I was blessed with many relationships.  Part of having a relationship is the fact that most likely, one of you will continue on without the other.  Friends, family, brothers and sisters, all of us that connect permanently, live with the knowledge that one will go on and the other will rest.

So, I try not to be sad.  I miss them, all of them.  I do not forget, nor do I ignore the pain.  The pain means I loved and I was loved.  And, it dulls, especially if you focus on the love.  It doesn't go away, and there are still days I have to let it out.  It catches you, unawares.  But, those are short lived moments, because the beauty of what God granted us both, in a relationship that so touched us, is far greater than temporary sadness at loss here.

I am convinced we will see each other again.  I am convinced that we will be whole, and without the baggage that we carry here on this side of the veil.  I look forward to that.  But, there are days where I just have to feel loss and sadness, because I am human.  There is nothing wrong with that.  But, it cannot be my existence.

I have to live outside of that.  I don't understand why's.  I don't understand the unknowable answers.  I don't have the inside knowledge from God.  If I stay focused on those, it will rob me of the joy that these special people brought into my life, all through my life.  I choose the joy.

Nor, am I trying to pass on "wisdom" to anyone else.  I am far from wise.  But, today, I woke up sad, missing them.  I remember Mama holding Emma, crying and smiling.  I remember Daddy laughing at me, leaning on the fender of a car he was fixing.  I remember Wanda and Lorne and I, and sledding down the hill.  I remember holding Tony when he was a fat baby, and that brilliant smile.

I choose those things to remember, because they warm my heart.  This is a very difficult time of the year for many people.  I do not know how to advise anyone.  But, I focus on things that bring me a smile.  I do not ignore the hurt, nor the missing feeling.  But, I treasure the times together that made us happy together.  It is easier for me.  Well, it is bearable anyway.

So, today, I hope that heaven has at least one '58 Ford requiring some love, a place for Mama to hold babies and give them that smile, and a hill for sledding.  And, I hope that they are watching me, so I can feel their presence.  That makes me smile through tears.  I miss them all.