Entirely and completely, that is usually how I go about endeavors. It is in my DNA. I don't take things lightly, I don't have hobbies, I don't have interests. I have a very bad case of laser disease. I get focused like a laser on whatever catches my attention.
I tend to completely immerse myself in whatever actually catches my full attention, until I reach a completion point. That point often has little to do with any kind of objective completion metric. I, for exampe, typically never finished a model as a kid. I would finish the engine, or the body, and that would be that. It was what I was interested in for that particular model, and then it had little interest or meaning for me.
It is not exactly a mental condition. I even looked it up on WebMD and Wikki, to make it official. It is not OCD, or obsessive disorder, as defined in Wikki. And it was not thyroid cancer, as WebMD suggested. (Ever notice that WebMD seems to always end up in cancer of some kind or lupus? It is like a bad episode of House, I hate that web site.)
There is a condition known as hyperfocus. A variant of ADHD, it allows someone to become and stay ultra fixated on an urgent task for long periods of time, in ignorance of other stimuli. That is me. My issue is not with that focus part, it is with what my crazy brain decides is an urgent task.
This week's urgent tasks have consisted of vacuuming the pool, water sealing the picnic table, a particular situation at work, and cutting the grass.
None of those are bad things, or things that do not have some importance to accomplish. What they are not, are in the category of things that will irrevocably change my life. Maybe the work one, but not particularly. Anyway, it is less that I must knock on the door 3 times saying Penny, nor that I have to check the light switch 5 times. It is that I have significant difficulty making my brain lay the subject down and focus on the other things happening in my life.
I have thought on this, and expect that many people have some amount of this tendency. I probably take it to the extremes. But, I proved to myself again, last night, as I sealed the picnic table, that once I get myself on the task of my focus, my brain starts to really work out things that are on my mind.
It is almost as if I had to physically preoccupy my mind with that task, to let the other connections and issues come together in my brain. I don't claim to solve the problems of the world while cutting the grass, or vacuuming the pool, but I do settle and organize tons of things in my mind, as I kind of beebop through whatever I feel obligated to get done.
It has been that way, for as long as I can remember. In this way, I was much like my father. He had a saying for it, that infuriated my Mama to some extent. "I aint in the mood to do that." "I got to get in the mood to do it." "The mood hasn't struck me, yet." I cannot count the number of times that her requests were met with those statements. You could get furious at him, and that was alright. He still wasn't going to do it until the "mood" hit him. And that could take years, or days. It was incomprehensible. There was no rhyme or reason.
Perversely, I hated that whole dynamic. It kind of hurt my Mama, and it kind of made my Daddy out to be the "bad guy". Neither of them saw it that way, or termed it that way, but I was too young to really process it in any other context. Regardless of that, I am still who I am, and that is the junior member of the Joseph Walter Hill firm.
I will have something hit me, and I really am not satisfied, nor do I get much else accomplished, regardless of my efforts, until I take care of that. Likewise, if I am not interested, it is an unholy challenge to maintain focus and do the task to the level required. It does not matter that one is more important, or urgent, or beneficial, or noticeable than the other. I really don't know why my brain picks the stuff that it does. But it does, and it don't let go.
What brought that on, is the almost daily despair I experience about 6:00 am. I realize that I have been awake, tapping at a keyboard, or reading news articles for 2 or 3 hours, and have nothing to show for it, but perhaps a post to a blog. It is a strange feeling. I have many other things I could have done in that time. And I know it. Some of them are important, urgent even. Yet, my brain picks this, and I will not be allowed to effectively do anything but this.
My father was wracked with anxiety. It was such a huge burden for him, especially after he got older and Mama passed. There was no rudder there anymore. However little Mama appeared to steer his ship, it was enough that he could keep the competing demands in check. He could organize his world according to his mood, and still tell the direction and speed of completion.
When that went away, and he was left alone with three adults, himself among them, requiring things to be done, without any kind of consideration of his mood, it ate at him. He got through it. But, it was a heavy, heavy burden. It was a burden of love, he would not have done it without the motivation of how much he loved his mother and brother. Still, though he did the best he could and never tried to escape from the responsibility, it disrupted his peace and his soul.
It would manifest in weird ways. Because he was at home so much, he would suddenly take a fit, and paint everything that would accept paint the same color. The color would be something that caught his eye, not really any kind of connection to the things painted. He would spend hours and hours working on motorcycles and 4 wheelers, there were always at least 3 or 4 ready, even when there was no one to ride them. He would become a chicken rancher, and continue to bring home chickens until the population value exceeded the number predators could carry off. Then they would run wild.
He was my hero, and such a good, good man. I don't look at my condition and curse him, because I see it clearly from him. It is what made me excel at learning and at the career field I chose. Because I got something else that my father was not gifted with. I got the ability to focus. I can completely tune out the whole world to the exclusion of what I am doing. You have to physically interact with me (punch me) to get my attention. That came from my Mama. She had that complete immersion quality in abundance, she just failed to have any real kind of internal prioritization. She just focused on whatever was at hand, a book, a movie, dreamcatchers...
I got two powerful gifts that contain baggage. I have reached a stage in my life, where my work process does not include tearing down and rebuilding things. I have learned to channel that compulsion to problem solving, pattern finding. I have also gained some coping mechanisms that let me avoid giving into that complete focus when it is inappropriate.
If I can occupy my hands, and the worry center in my brain, with whatever thing is dying to get completed, I actually start to think broadly, and make connections and understanding of the big issues in my life. Like every life, mine has issues, things that need to be thought through. It is one of the quirks I have, in that the best way for me to make a decision is to go do some kind of monotonous and manual task that is weighing on me. Once I start that, my mind simmers down and starts to work through things.
What brings this to the surface. I think I have told Katrina I am not in the mood to do whatever task she asked me about. It is not a habit I want to get into. It has nothing to do with mood. I love her enough to make it work. Now, my things, like hanging up pictures, weed eating, yeah, the mood hasn't struck me. Yet.
Beware your compulsions and your habits. Control yourself, but also maximize your effectiveness. Sometimes, something needs painted yellow, so you can work out what the timeline and needs to actually retire are. It is just that everything doesn't need to get painted yellow, all at the same time.
The hardest part, regardless of how limited or overdeveloped your sense of focus is, is to finish. You have to finish what you start. Leaving things half done just loads up the burdens you feel and that nagging message of failure because you did not accomplish it. It doesn't help, it hurts.
So, yes, I will get the pictures and stuff hung up, and the house weed whacked. Not just because it is important to everyone, but because it clogs up my brain processing.
Put your eyes to the LORD and work to His glory. Sometimes, even though you aren't in the mood, He is telling you to get something off your plate, because it is in the way of what else He has in store for you. If you suffer with anything similar to what I do, it is not a curse, it is a blessing. But, it comes with its issues. Only way to win, I have found, is to pay attention to what the LORD is telling you. If you do that, it will all work out and you will continue to prosper.
Now, where did I hide the hammer so I did not have to hang up the pictures?
GLYASDI
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