Life storms

There are storms in life, chaotic and immense washes of confusion and emotion.  There is nothing that can be done to prevent them.  I think there is a cycle to life that requires the storms.  Things are not able to stay stagnant and calm, because the world is not a place for that.  Nature abhors a vacuum, so when there is calm, there is a tendency for chaos to gather and fill the hole.

So, we see things brewing, but do not take the warning signs to heart.  As it is chaos that is building, there is no good way to determine what will happen when the storm comes.  But, it is safe to assume that whatever you plan or propose will most likely not work out in the storm.

I am in the midst of several.  It is strange, in that I used to have serious issues and anxiety over these storms.  I spent a lot of energy doing my best to avoid them, planning for overcoming them, and picking up the pieces after them.

I have faced them all, money, health, loved ones, relationships, loneliness, seperation, you name it, and at some point, that particular hurricane has blown through my life.  I am still not an expert sailor on the ocean of chaos.  It is still a scary and treacherous sea, with reefs, squalls and currents that can take any ship down.  I have not learned the leeward tack, the course to the following seas.

So, now, when I feel the wind freshening and sense a storm coming, I have learned how to make my little ship at least a bit more seaworthy.  I thank several folks on the internets, that posted their ideas, that distilled down into my "weathering in" process.  I am borrowing with abandon, but from some most unlikely sources.

I have this outlet.  I made a pact with myself that I would not keep it bottled up in my head anymore. If I could not say it or write it, without being offensive, I had to let it go, cause it surely did not belong in my head or heart either.  It has taught me to identify those thoughts and feelings as my own baggage and weight, and to keep myself slimmed down.  Those thoughts come from a bad place, and I am better off not visiting it.

I have started a prayer journal.  I put it down, as I am praying and thinking.  If you have not tried this, I highly recommend it.  I have lots of things that don't go in the journal, because as I think of how to write it, it becomes clear that it is not something I need to pray for.  It has truly helped me to keep myself focused on what God's will for me is, and what my will for me should be.  This has only been in place for a few weeks, but there are a remarkable amount of things that have already been given us.

I am not any more blessed than I have ever been, I am just much more cognizant of my blessings.  I have asked for those things, and I have believed on God for those things, and I have received those things.  I know that has always been true in my relationship with God, even when I was careless of that relationship.  It took me recording and detailing our relationship, to be aware of just how truly blessed I am.  God has always been careful in our relationship, thankfully.  I did not need to be.

I have had the blessing of a wife that has helped me pare down my life significantly.  There is simply so much less to worry over and stress about in our lives now.  We have more than we ever need, much more than we deserve.  And, what we have, we see and appreciate so much more.  It is not about the numbers, but about the needs, and all of those are bountifully met.

Now, when the winds are blowing hard, when emotions are overloaded, when others are hurting and confused, I have a place of refuge to approach it from.  There is a safe harbor in my life, that lets me be aware of my blessings, sure of my Father's presence, and content with what I can do, and accepting of what I cannot.  And, I am well aware of the fact that I mostly cannot do anything, the doing is really all on God.  My role is much more about believing, showing faith and not letting my hope die in despair.

So, as I navigate this week of chaotic seas, with all of its sorrow and drama and tension, I am still calm.  I know that in all things God works to our good, and that is regardless of whether I can see it.  I know that my emotional display will not be a good reflection of my Lord, nor change one thing about how hard the wind is blowing around me.

I am still learning, but I am confident.  I am still sometimes confused, but I am not afraid.  I am still sometimes afraid, but I know I will be comforted.  That is how I get through, how I stay above water. Doesn't mean I don't still need the Xanax occasionally.  Just means that I don't need it every day and in every situation.

GLYASDI