Firsts are not necessarily new normals. I have to keep that firmly in mind. My new normal is not established yet. But, I have been sitting here listening to the sound of the breakers on the sand, smelling the sea air, and knowing I was still an hour from low tide.
This is not a new normal. I grew up knowing the time of the tides. I spent most of my adult life living in the sea air. The sound of waves was familiar to me, a soothing and welcome sound to my soul.
I am, and have always been, a son of the tides and the breeze. I grew up at the mouth of the Chesapeake. I still miss the roll of the deck under my feet, though not the work that underway time was. I don't have any illusions about the sea, it cares nothing for me. But, I love her.
I worry about all the things that could be. I don't know the whole path ahead of me yet. I suppose there are more pitfalls that I have not considered. But in these quiet hours during a life change, I have considered a whole bunch of them. I am the planner, the tactician. There are steps and stages at each turn that have to be charted and understood and undertaken with the right tools and approach. That is how you get through life successfully.
I was told recently that I had horribly mishandled my situation. Kind of a sad comment when I heard it, because it told me exactly what I needed to know. There would be no understanding, nor would there be any way of educating that I could bring to bear. I would continue to be the cause of wasting a stupid amount of time, and taking the low road, both explicit and implied about my situation.
I don't know that I handled my situation brilliantly. Time will tell. But, I am sure that I did what God had in His plan. I probably did not do it exactly as He would have wanted me to...but I am not a cause for wasting a stupid amount of time, for anyone, any longer.
What I am, is free to detox my system. I had a pretty good boil of anger and resentment, because I let the situation go on longer than necessary. I did not do the right things for me, at the right times. I did not address my issues in the right time frame. And, I did not pay heed to the signs and signals that accompanied that growing frustration and concern.
If there is any learning I have already internalized, it is that you cannot allow your timeline to be compromised for anyone else's comfort. I could be angry at those around me, especially those that I worked closely for, but the frustration and concern was not coming from them. It was coming from me. I was the source, because I saw things through an entirely different prism than others. And that prism was not going to be shared by others. Someone needed to change their prism, or the someone's needed to be changed. I chose to be the someone that was changed.
I have to figure out what is next. Next is always informed by what was, but should never be framed by it. The past is prologue, except that we have free will, and are able to make a change at any point that alters the path to a new outcome. If you do not believe in the Christian faith, you could call that self determination. I am a believer in Christ, and I call that Amazing Grace. And it is a sweet sound that saves a wretch like me. You can't be lost, when you are always found. And you can't remain blind when God says see.
Enough song lyrics. The point is, we get so wrapped up in the concerns of the temporal, taxes, mortgages, this, that and everything defined by monetary value, that we lose sight of what God calls us to be. Mark 6:11 If anyone will not welcome you or listen to you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that place as a testimony against them. Actually pertinent in our lives today, though we do not heed it often enough.
So, if you continually talk about dangers and pitfalls, and your words are not welcomed or listened to, that is a part of the message God is giving you. It is not always about the others. Sometimes that is happening because you are not the right person to deliver the message. It happens.
What we, or at least I, most often do, is assume it is about the rest of the group. Of course, I am right, how dare they not listen? Well, I could be wrong, maybe. I could be delivering the message wrong, likely. I could be ready to just do something different and this is what God is using to make me see, true regardless.
So, the assumption is that I was just not the right person. Just not the right messenger. It is my fervent hope that they find a better messenger, because they need the message. But, my sandals are clean at this point. I am not sure what took me so long to understand what God was saying. But, I am not a cause for wasting a stupid amount of time, and I am not traveling the low road.
It kind of just really sucked. And it is not supposed to. Matt 11:29-30 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. That is what God says life should be.
If you find that what you do is frustrating, chewing you up inside, making you feel worse and not better about yourself, you have some sandal shaking and yoke taking to do. There are all kinds of verses about sparrows and lilies of the field, that God cares enough for them, and how much more for you. Do you think He is calling you to a life of angry and frustrated? Or are you feeling that because you are not welcomed and not listened to?
We take a lot of suffering and struggle because we are unwilling to let go and let God. We say we trust in Him, but that is usually when the numbers in the bank account are good, and the kids are doing alright. When times are lean, we assume God is punishing us, and keep putting up with it, you know, doing the right thing. We get more and more afraid, and more and more frustrated. Simply because we don't trust in God.
Usually, angry is not a product of a good place for you. I don't mean frustrated with traffic angry, but more the kind of angry that comes with being ignored and overlooked. Usually, that feeling is not because you can't do something, it is because you shouldn't do something.
If your yoke is heavy, you are not wearing a yoke from Christ. There is another source of yokes, and he is a liar, and a prowler and is absolutely interested in your defeat. That is not to say that a bad boss is from Satan, nor that a bad boss is a signal that Christ is not with you in your work. Sometimes, a bad boss is a bad boss, but the organization is great and that lightens the yoke. When you look around and you can't find anything that lightens the yoke, the time has passed to try to change the organization, it is time to change you.
That could mean a change in situation, might be time to move on. Or it could mean a change in expectations, yours may be wrong. It could even be that a change is coming an you need to wait out the timing. But, if the situation is wrong, the expectations can't be lined up and changes coming never seem to include you, there is not much more God can do to communicate with you.
I waited, and waited, and waited. I got more an more frustrated. I got more and more angry. I got more and more scared about what was coming. It got way too heavy, that yoke. So, I shook sandals and beat feet.
Here I sit, trying to put it all in perspective. I can't guarantee I did the right thing, but I can guarantee that God will work it right out. I don't worry about that. I am vain enough to worry about all the rest of the organization, because I am not there, pushing the things I pushed. That is just pride. God will work that out as well. We are all lilies of the field and sparrows in the hand of the Lord.
Last Thursday, both times I drove to the building I used to work in, that Jason Grey song, Sparrows, was playing. You know, kind of a reminder that we were created to run in fields of forever singing songs to our Savior and King. You can't do that when you are carrying a heavy yoke. Throw it off.
It never feels comfortable, but it always feels right, when you get yourself back on God's path. We are comfortable in sin and strife, not cradled in love and care. Instead of trusting in God, we put our faith in ourselves. And, that is always a bad investment. I am going to invest in God.
That is my rumination today. Hope it gives you a blessing, or helps ease your mind.
GLYASDI
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