What changed?

What changed?  Inside, I wondered about that.  Yesterday, I was baptized.  Something had to change right?  Biggest stuff there is.

You know, as a "grown-up", we unfortunately try to put limits on what God can do in our lives.  Because we set our expectations based on our capabilities and our understanding, we completely refuse to just let God go and let God do.  At least, I do.  I should not speak for all.

But, I was in the midst of great expectation management, as I stumbled through the coffee routine.  I have a routine, we all do, about what happens in what order in the morning.  It is unreasonable to expect to feel entirely differently, I told myself as the usual places ached and popped and cracked.  It is unreasonable to feel emotional different, I told myself as the same old things annoyed me.

I mean, what really changed?

Well, forgive me for the mysticism for a moment, but the world changed.  I don't let God have enough credit in my life.  And, I gloss over the spiritual warfare in my life.  But, absolutely the world changed, for me, and let me relate to you why I say that.

When I got up Sunday morning, feeling quite excited about going to be baptized, I had a great few moments.  But, I almost immediately got into expectation management.  "Look Joe, you had this done when you were a baby.  You are doing something for show here," which I don't believe any longer.  "There won't be any voice from heaven congratulating you, best get that straight up front."  "What if folks come and it is not special for them?"  All that stuff goes into your brain and makes you crazy.  Nerves, anticipation, idle hands and idle thoughts are the Devil's playground.

And, quite honestly, the Devil has been making a menace of himself in my family the last few weeks.  I have to be careful here, as I have no room for blaming anyone else or anything else for what I do.  But, we have had challenges and issues in front of us that we certainly did not need to get through as a group.  It has caused hard feelings for many of us, and made cracks in relationships.  I had already convinced myself that what I feared would happen.  And it did.  And that sucked.

It threatened to ruin the joy of the day, because of what I did with it.  On top of that, there were other influences and stresses that we probably just would have been better off without that morning.  At least, that is what I was thinking as I drove to church.  I go there early, because early is what I do, and sat there a few moments, staring at grey and colorless skies, and felt quite different than I thought I would feel.  It really got me angry.  We all have the fight or flight thing, and, well, mostly I am fight.

I was sitting there, and it dawned on me that I could not go promise to serve the Lord all my days, and gain forgiveness and blessing, harboring anger on my heart.  I had to let anger go out of me.  I had to let that morning's situation go.  I had to let the unresolved angers in my relationships go.  I had to let anger in my family go.  I had to let anger at those who had hurt my loved ones go.  I had to let anger at me and my failings go.

It took me about 5 minutes to get my head straight, my eyes dry and my hands steady.  I had to let a burden go that I had been carrying around for years.  I had to fess up and let my anger at God go.  I didn't realize what I had been carrying around with me, but there was a lot of stuff there.  God did not have to let Mom die so young.  God did not have to let my Pop die without being able to say goodbye.  God did not have to let what happened in our family happen.  I know all those things, in situational understanding, but man did I still have a lot of it sitting on me.

I cannot tell you what the next 2 hours did for me.  I watched a young lady I was baptized with weeping, not in fear, but in expectation.  She was nervous, but in the best way, at least from my perspective.  I watched young men, three brothers, quietly get ready for the moment.  They would become very special for me later, but sitting there with them waiting, I could see that they were all in, not just going along.  Then, the words I did not expect.

"Satan did just about everything he could this morning to keep us from coming, but I was not putting up with it."  An older gentleman, whose name I won't use because I didn't ask, was explaining to the pastor with us, what his morning had been like.  He and his family have challenges, physical and real.  There were arguments, emotions, aches, pains, issues with transport, time, all the things that could legitimately ruin any plans.  He had just refused to let it.  He was 67 and not waiting anymore, because you are not guaranteed tomorrow.  His health had suffered recently and he was serious about it.

Younger folks than me were sitting there, quietly contemplating what was to occur.  It dawned on me that this was why I had come.  I needed this desperately.  This was not a show, it was not a commitment demonstration.  This was me, my need.  And, I understood what that older man was saying.  I could see the lines in the sand where Satan had been working in my family, trying everything he could to keep us from each other, from closeness and from understanding.  Including me, and things I did and did not do, that had consequences.

I had no answers for how to fix things.  I had no answers as to how to make them different.  I just knew that the next step was to get through the baptism.  The world was not going to be the same.

The event itself was over quickly.  While all this leading up to it sounds high level spiritual ninja stuff, the reality is that I am 48 and recently completed knee surgery.  Just don't fall getting into the tank, that was what my focus turned into, when I saw the layout.  I almost let myself get distracted from what was happening, worried about that.  But, I snapped out of it when I got into the water.

I got out of the tank, dried off, and went and found Katrina.  Sitting with her were Caleb, Alicia, Tara and Kevin, wonderful kids that I love, and I could feel the love from Kasey and Tony and Emma and Andrew, who could not be there.  In front of us were friends whose worth to me I cannot describe.  These people are truly brothers and sisters in spirit in ways I don't know how to explain.  I love them all.  I don't have words.

When service was over, and Pastor Matt touched me with the sermon, that is another story, we were hugging and talking, and I got told a story about those 3 brothers.  My friend, Scott, who had come to the baptism, had mentioned that he was going to be at the service for the 11:15 baptism, to one of C3's members at the men's group they both attend.  When he explained that he was coming to see me be baptized, the other fellow said that his boys had been asking about being baptized.  By the end of the day, that seed had translated into Scott's friend letting him know that the boys would be baptized at that service as well.

It doesn't take much for me to see a miracle.  I don't have a high bar to get over about what a miracle is.  If it brings you a blessing, if it gains you in Christ, if it leaves you closer in an indelible way to God, through nothing that you did or could do, that is a miracle.  Planting a seed that got 3 boys baptized, without waiting longer, that was a miracle for me that day.

Whatever turmoil I have in my life, and that stuff did not go away because I got baptized, I got multiple miracles out of that day.  I got to see that it was a triumph for me, not to put too high a mark on it.  I got to see a man of conviction achieve his baptism, and ease his soul, and I can't tell you how special it was to know what that meant to him and be part of it.  I got to cleanse a lot of things that I carried that are not my burden.

And, I got the miracle of feeling the love of those close to me, and their support, and their blessing for being there.  Those are big, big things.  The world changed.  It got better for me.  It got fuller for me.  It made me more, and nothing I could do could cause that.

I still have issues with folks.  I still have not done all the right things, or made all the right amends, or understood all the right issues.  I still have struggles, and I am not suddenly filled with the grace of the Apostles.  I am still me, and that is flawed.  But, it is going to be okay, and it is going to be less angry, it is going to be less stressed and it is going to be more about Christ.

That much is new.  And, you know what, I am not done with Satan.  I know that he is not done with any of us.  But, I am not afraid.  I don't see him around every corner, he can't be, he is not God.  He can only have the power we give him over our lives and souls.  And his minions are even weaker.  It is not that they are not dangerous, or that I don't have to take care.  But, he lost a big, big battle.  And, he will never get that ground back.  Whenever any of us have those victories, there is a huge celebration in heaven.  Bible says so, that all the heavens rejoice, including God.

I got to be part of making God rejoice.  That is a big, big old day for a short little man from St. Mary's County.  Better believe I am blessed beyond expression.  You could not purchase the good in my life with the riches of Solomon.

GLYASDI